This isn’t the Ross and Rachel thing though life long friends are a wonderful thing, if anything it’s closer to the Whodini song of the same title, which partially inspired me to write this. Over the years I have gained and lost many friends, it’s a part of life honestly. After 8th grade graduation I didn’t keep in contact with those friends very well, and after high school the same story. Let’s fast forward, I’ve grown older and wiser and am more more selective about the people I surround myself with and through age and experience I have realized some things.
- Not all friends are made equal. Or more properly, not all friends have equal access to your inner thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure I would go so far as to say there is a hierarchy, but I think it’s fair to say there are some Macro and Microcosmic orders at play.
- Not everyone you are friendly with is a friend (that one is obvious).
- Even amongst close friends the dynamics of the relationship can be skewed or even one sided (similar, but different to the first point)
- Friendship is not always forever.
I will of course break those down a little further, but I figured that was a good start, and I will touch on this subject again later. Due to recent events in my personal life I have been thinking about the people in my life that I consider friends, the friends I consider like family, the friends that are family, and the friends I’ve lost along the way. So let’s dive right in!
So not all friends are made equal? The short answer is no and I will use myself as an example, as always. Think about the closest people to you that aren’t related, now think who are the people you can tell anything to and feel safe knowing that they won’t put your business out there. Or have you ever felt like you knew someone a lot longer than “humanly” possible? I have had very few people in my life that I had that feeling from, I have known some friends since they were young, but I have only had a handful of people I felt like I knew in a previous life. One was killed and I didn’t get a chance to really know him but I did tell him after we first met, the other is a friend that I made through my wife and is one of my closest friends. Now all that said, it’s safe to say we don’t know everything about each other, but the bond we have is a strange one that transcends a typical friendship, and It might just be me that feels or felt that way but it’s just one of those things. I also have close friends that have a similar role, just without the weird different lives vibe. That circle is bigger because I like to surround myself with these kinds of people. Most of them are from my wife, but I still have a friend from high school I am close with (plus his family), a friend from childhood (probably that last friend from childhood that I have) and the friends I gained from my wife. Now I will say most of my friends today were made through my wife, her friends and classmates that later became my friend(s), but not all I still have friends from college, high school,neighborhood, work etc. There are also people I am friendly with and on good terms with but we don’t or haven’t gotten to really know each other, they are still friends, just not as close.
Then you have associates you work with, or a friend of a friend, neighbors, etc. They may still be friendly but you may not share everything with them. Let’s use some practical examples, there are some things about me/my family that only my wife knows {at least from me} it’s not information I have shared with my closest friends; there are a few different things about me that some people know through circumstance usually they are always around me or it’s come up in conversation. Adversely, there are little day to day things that don’t always get mentioned to some friends because it’s trivial or I don’t think about sharing it, i.e” work sucked today”, or my wrist is fucked {which as I am typing this out my left wrist is kind of messed up, but on the mend, so now you know, but some people may never find out because I don’t think it’s important to go out of my way to tell them}.
Then you have internet or long distance friends.I have made more long distance friends recently through social media and whatnot and they are just as important as my regular friends. And for some folks, internet friends are all they have, and I think the world today makes it so much easier for anyone to find friends.
Thinking about it now, I also have friends that have really done damage to me, never apologized for it, and somehow we are still friends, which is weird when you think about it. Which brings me to the second point, not everyone you are “friendly” with is a friend. I am specifically thinking of my office make up, both past and present. I am typically friendly with my co-workers, but there are some I would never hang out with outside of work, and there are co-workers that I have hung out with or would like to one day, I am friendly with them all at work but outside of work there is no bond with some. I also try to be friendly with passersby or the day to day folks, because the thank you I give them could be the appreciation they need in the moment. I feel like women have this problem much more, where they are being polite and some men take that for more than what it is and that causes misunderstandings. Unfortunately, those misunderstandings cause bigger problems for the women, and more headaches that they deserve, but some people are stupid and take politeness as flirting, which it is not! So sorry some folks suck in that aspect.
Jumping to point three, the skewed dynamics. So I mentioned earlier that what led me to this particular topic was losing two people that I thought were friends, and right now are nothing to me because they chose to leave my life. One of them was a friend that shared similar interests and backgrounds, but the relationship felt very one sided. I was usually the one cheering them up, I was the one being asked for advice, I felt more of a resource for them than a friend some days and now we aren’t anything. I know for me that was very exhausting so I try not to do it to people, but my close friends always remind me they are there for me if I need to vent, but I am hesitant to take them up on that because I don’t want to be a bad friend either. In all things there should be balance.
Friendship is not forever, friends will come and go from your life, some will leave lasting impressions, some you may not miss at all. When friendships die of natural causes like grow up or apart it doesn’t hurt as much as an abrupt “death” or “murder” which was the case with the one sided friend, it hurt a lot at first because I thought we were better friends but I realized if we were better friends then they would have talked to me instead of dropping me like garbage. With all my friends, communication is key and that is true in any relationship, communication is always important. I feel like the Friends theme song is the one we all want where our friends will always be there for us, because we are there for them, but every once in a while the Whodini song is more accurate.
I hope the real friends we all have remain true and the fake ones fall by the wayside. Be kind to yourself, loyal to those that love you, and find the right balance. If the situation seems bad, get out. Friends will come and go, but you’ll know a true friend will stick around through good and bad times.
I am thankful for the people that have come into my life, because I have learned about myself or life through them. But I am most thankful for the friends that I still have today from childhood, high school, college, the interwebs, wherever they found me or I found them, I am thankful for them and I love them.
Later Days
~Owl
The World Through My Eyes 