Story time once again, in honor of pride.
So to preface the main story like I have mentioned in a previous post, I am not a traditional “manly” masculine man. I’m not overly feminine either I don’t think, but I also view myself from the inside out, not sure how I present myself in public. For full disclosure’s sake, I do find attractive qualities in men and women, but I am happily married to a wonderful woman. I am also nerdy and have been for forever.
Growing up I was more interested in toys, cartoons, comics and nerdy stuff rather than sports, girls, cars, or being a “tough guy”. In grade school that got me picked on, I’d rather play X-men with my nerdy friends than try to get a girlfriend (I was usually Wolverine, Gambit, or Nightcrawler). While I liked girls they were not my focus until maybe 8th grade, but I w\had female friends who would probably remember me for being short, funny, and nerdy. I was also a bit of a class clown, not to the point where I was disrupting class, but I would make my neighbors that sat near me laugh.
I was silly then, and I still am around people I am comfortable with.
My parents divorced when I was young, so every other weekend or so I would go to visit my dad, usually with my older brother, but eventually solo. When I had my brother as a buffer things were okay usually, but eventually he got sick of our dad and stopped visiting I think that’s when it started. My dad would pick me up from my mum’s house and we go to his, he lived decently south and later in the burbs, always in a nice place.
For years I put up with digs at how I dressed (I was not wealthy and it showed), but the comments that really bothered me were about girls. My dad would point out girls/women and ask me if I thought this one was cute or that one, and I was embarrassed, but also not interested. I just wanted to enjoy my nerdy stuff and be a kid, mentally I wasn’t at that level yet. One of the days he picked me up and per the usual he started pointing out girls and women and when he finally was sick of my responses he just straight asked, “well are you gay?” I said no, why would you ask me that? For years it bothered me, now it doesn’t but I get to that in a second. After the weekend I told my mom and brother (I knew not to tell my step-dad, he’d want to throw hands and defend me). My brother basically said fuck em, and my mom told me some stories about his past and everything made sense, he was a homophobe. He also felt a little bigoted to me because he would give my brother shit for dating white girls, and give me shit for not dating any girls but not seeming interested in black girls, but I will elaborate on that in another blog.
Fast forward My dad and step-mother have a son and my little brother is now the golden child, not his fault but that’s how things ended up. I won’t lie, it built up a lot of animosity, anything he wanted he got, things I wanted he got, and some of that carries through to today. I have usually been very observant even as a kid, and if I ever said anything anything about my little brother i’d get bitch at. I said he was spoiled (he was) and my step-mother scolded me and tried to make me feel bad.The more memorable time I said something was after an event at his school or nearby, I don’t quite remember. My dad saw little brother with all these girls wanting to take him to the different booths and of course after the event had to use this as an opportunity to take another shot or “encourage” me. He tried to rub in my face that I was being out done by my little brother, and I remarked I think he might actually be gay. That was the wrong thing to say apparently, he snapped at me hard and he didn’t snapp at or yell at me often. But How funny is that, he thinks it’s okay to question my sexuality, but when I flip the script, all hell breaks loose.
Let’s fast forward to more modern times now, I am a married adult and dad invites my wife and I to his house, it was a far drive and I forgot how far the drive was apparently. When we finally get there it’s all hugs and nice and dad is sitting on the couch and he asks how my mom, and older brother, and that side of the family is, and I ask him the same sort of questions about his side of the family. Then I asked about my little brother and how he was doing, and he said he was good, talked about his schooling and what not, and of course I had to ask. “Does he have a girlfriend?” Dad sighed a little and said no, he is what you thought he was. And I asked how I knew. I said okay that’s cool, and that I just knew, which is true I did just know and I was cool with it.
It was bittersweet, I’m glad I was right, but I hoped he didn’t give him any shit, because at the end of the day that is still my little brother, and I do love him, I just happen to also be jealous of aspects of his upbringing. We still aren’t super close to this day, but that is because I am bad at reaching out, but I would like to sit and talk with him at some point. Weirdly when we were kids he favored me, now as an adult he looks more like my step-mom’s son.
And even weirder, I guess? I don’t think I’m hetero, but that’s an exploration/reflection for another time.
The moral of all this? I dunno, but love your kids. We as adults have huge impacts on the younger generations, so be kind, understanding, respectful, and be your kids’ ally. There is a reason I’m a mama’s boy, My mom was more than just my mother, she has always accepted me, and that is courtesy I pass on to my nieces and nephews.
Later days.
Owl
The World Through My Eyes 