Hello. No catchy or fun title this time, just a simple hello. Whoever is reading this I hope you are doing well and making the best choices for your life. Today is my 38th birthday, and while I do appreciate another year of life I feel like after losing my first job there has been an inner rift that was there before, but it’s grown more over time, I can’t really explain it well, but I’ve carried it for so long. This is one of those times where if this can be of help to someone else then I feel like I need to share this.
Before my birthday I told my wife I don’t feel fulfilled (not in our relationship, but outside of it). I didn’t want to get into the specifics then, and I won’t detail them all now but I will speak on some of it. In my thirty eight years of existence I feel like I don’t have tons of things I can look back on and say “damn I did this and it was awesome!”
{Let me interrupt myself for a sec and say life isn’t a race. And we are meant to go at our own pace. We don’t live, learn, or express the same, so how can you compare your journey to someone else’s? But we all want to be successful I think, but we define success for ourselves, unfortunately being plugged into society our definitions of success can be warped.}
When I look at the people I’m surrounded by or look up to I see their successes, and maybe because I don’t see myself the same I don’t see my own, but it’s still difficult. Most of the things I have “accomplished” are due to help from others and usually around my birthdays I feel this the most. All the things I wanted to do growing up have slipped through my grasp and I see friends or family doing them now. I wanted to travel the world and document my travels, I wanted to become a writer, I wanted to become a voice actor, I wanted to have a better job where I was happy to go to work. As It stands I have none of that. I have a house, but that wasn’t due to my own financial abundance, I have a good relationship, but it takes two to make that happen not just me, I have an associates college degree, but I got it through a education/employment program which tied me to a family owned business, the second job I got because I knew someone, the promotion I got because there was no one else to give it to at the time. I didn’t get in to school because I was a stellar student, I didn’t get any of my jobs because I had amazing skills or an awesome resume, I didn’t impress my wife with my awesome charisma and talents, everything was luck, and I feel like it’s running out.
So what now? Well I can sit here and cry, and honestly it wouldn’t be the first time today, but I have to also keep moving forward. It’s rough, but sometimes that is all I can do to survive, I’ve had various disasters in my life and while I lived to tell the tales, sometimes I wonder if I survived or just kept moving forward.
Is there a difference? Can’t you fail and shuffle forward?
I hope my journey remains a mostly healthy one, but I know I am getting older and various illnesses have shown up in my family, both mental and physical.
I don’t know where my journey will take me or how it’ll end, but i do hope I have made a positive impact on others. Personal health is important, if you can afford to get professional help, do it. See your dentist, your doctor, your therapist, your professionals that keep you running. Learn to love yourself, because in our quiet moments alone, you are all you have. When you sit in solitude you don’t want to sit with intrusive thoughts that are dragging you down, you want and need to be elevated. And remember to pay it forward, you can save someone’s life.
Most of us regular folk are doing what we can to survive and navigate this life. Please know that you matter.
I hope one of these days I will have a blog expressing an exciting accomplishment.
For now I will end with how I celebrated my birthday. Saturday my wife took me to our local Renaissance Faire. It was an amazing time, a little overwhelming, and very expensive inside so we didn’t buy much. Their vegan options need work for sure, as the few options we got actually made us both a bit sick. Sunday was pretty chill and we ordered dinner, but basically the weekend was spent just the two of us (we tried to get friends to participate, but the stars didn’t align). While there feels like a lot I am trying to figure out and understand about myself, I’m glad I have people around me that care, whether I see them often or not. Proving how important your personal community is.
Take care of yourself
Later days
~Owl
The World Through My Eyes 