It’s okay to not be okay.

I usually like to start my blogs off with a funny or related quip or a simple greeting, but given the content we’ll skip it today. 

A few weeks back I was having a bad week mentally and emotionally. I wasn’t okay, and that’s not to admonish anyone feeling that way. We are all allowed to feel our feelings whatever they may be, this is more about having the support you need. 

What sucks, is when you are feeling your worst or just having a bad day, the intrusive thoughts seep from the cracks and crevices of your mind.

We can be our own worst enemy, but sometimes it’s also the influences from family, work, society, etc , and it doesn’t take much to get it started. A bad day at work or school, being misunderstood by someone that should understand you better than most, a car splashing you as it drives through a puddle, it really doesn’t take much. 

So I found myself in that very situation. It was a crappy day, not my worst, but crappy nonetheless then got stretched into most of a week. But this blog is a way for me to help connect with you the reader and maybe turn my issues, thoughts, opinions into something that could be helpful for someone else. 

That said, consider this a trigger warning. Some of the stuff that will be discussed below is serious shit, and not to be taken lightly.

Alright, deep breaths..

No seriously. If you’re still reading take a deep or three, in through the nose out through the mouth if you can.

Let’s D

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So the trigger warning is for talks about thoughts of suicide, self harm, and mental health disorders.

So I had to step back a bit because I was writing this at the moment, and I will address that as well below, but I needed to get myself to a better place before continuing on. I don’t remember what set it off exactly but I believe I had a stressful work day, and that opened the door for the intrusive thoughts. Most times at work those thoughts are “anyone can do my job” “I am easily replaceable” “my opinions and what I bring to the table don’t matter” shit like that. 

Here’s the thing: some of  that is true, but it doesn’t take away from my contributions to the job or  the work I do. Also my worth isn’t determined by how I pay my bills. Most jobs are set up so people can be replaceable, because shit happens! People die, quit, get promoted, transfer, and companies don’t want to screw themselves by putting all their eggs in one basket. A good business will be set up so one missing cog doesn’t wreck the whole thing.

More importantly, and I will say this throughout, it’s okay to not be okay. 

So at the end of the day I made my way home, and while waiting for my train I kept having the thought, “all it would take is one step, or maybe make it dramatic and run and jump on the tracks and i’d be done.” Clearly I didn’t, I made it home and had some other stuff blow up and my mind just  kinda went, “See? We would have been free from all this if we just jumped.” I spoke with a friend the day after, and they apologized that I had such a shitty day and told me they were glad I made it home, and that helped. This wasn’t the first time I had these thoughts and probably won’t be the last, but what I am working on now is working through past trauma, learning to forgive myself and learning to love myself.

Full disclosure, aside from having these thoughts from time to time, ages ago I did try and fail to end things. I tried to go to sleep with a mix of stuff in my system, in the hopes of not waking up. Apparently it wasn’t enough because I am still here. There was also one other time I wanted to end it and was talked out of it.

I wasn’t okay, and that’s fine, but killing myself doesn’t stop the problem, it creates new ones for others. I’m not saying it’s selfish, but I don’t want to ruin someone’s life so I can feel better. This isn’t something I share lightly, I don’t know who all will read this, I don’t know who’s opinions of me will change, and frankly I’m not too worried. If anything here helps someone else feel that they aren’t alone, that is all that matters. I have self harmed, and some days it’s a struggle to find a reason to keep going, but there is always a reason.

I have given up many big dreams of mine but I am still here. I wanted to take Japanese and international business in college and some family stuff happened and I canceled those plans, I was even accepted and everything and flushed it away. Wanted to be a voice actor, and have been told by a few strangers I have a nice voice, soothing voice etc, but I know the closest I’ll probably ever get to that is streaming on Twitch or some of the silly recordings I have done. I’m not as successful as I would like to be, but that doesn’t mean I am not successful. I have a house, a job, a loving support system, and while I don’t get paid to do things I’m passionate about (yet) I still am able to make time to do things that fill my cup.

Yes, it’s okay to not be okay, but in those times when we aren’t okay find healthy support. If  you have friends or family that want what’s best for you, turn to those people. If you don’t I know there were times when my internet friends helped more than the real people I had in my life, sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger sometimes than it is the people close to you. If you’re like me you don’t let all your friends peek into your baggage, I’m closer to some friends than others so i’m okay sharing the real stuff with the really close friends and keeping it casual with others. 

 There are no easy answers unfortunately, but if you are reading this, know I appreciate you and legit want what’s best for you. We all are capable of so much good or bad, so why not spend your time on this floating space rock doing good, for yourself and for your community. Do  no harm, but take no shit!

You are going to have bad days, help with the world in the current state it’s in you may have some horrendous days. But you matter. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter.It’s okay to not be okay, feel your feelings, understand them and yourself, and keep going. Not because I can so you have to, not for the other people in your life, but for yourself. You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can. Learn, grow, thrive, love.

I have my email tied to this blog up and running, so email me if you gotta! I have a Ko-fi for donations and soon a shop, I stream on twitch as seekerowl. I am around and you are not alone.

Even when we think there is nothing or no one, there is always someone willing to lend a hand to help us up, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on.

You have made it past every obstacle in your way so far to get to where you are right now! Be proud of yourself and keep going.

Later days

~Owl