Masks

Hello again.

I feel like touching on a subject I have mentioned in other posts here and there. I was chatting with a friend in our private group about the Netflix adaptation of Avatar the Last Airbender. Basically, she asked if any of us watched it yet. I said I did, and when I got home I watched the next episode and it hit me kind of hard (season 1 episode 6, titled masks). Slight spoilers ahead

The episode starts with Iroh talking while other stuff is going on and it’s what is being said that really resonated with me because it truly is something everyone can probably relate to.

He says, “We spend so much time hiding who we really are, making sure no one sees the person we truly want to be. So it’s hard to remember there was a time when we were truly excited to show the world our true face.” Then the episode starts and if you are familiar with the series you know Aang tends to wear his heart on his sleeve, and Zuko tends to mask up for a long time because of his relationship with his father. A lot happens and the episode concludes with Iroh speaking again, saying, “it’s amazing how far we’ll go to hide our true selves from the world.Perhaps it’s because we don’t want people to know how much they really mean to us… which is funny because the truth is we would do anything for them.We’d travel incredible distances. Risk our lives. Even fight monsters.But I suppose it can be scary to admit you need people. Some might see that as a weakness, a liability. After all, what greater pain is there than losing someone you love? Or worse…finding out someone you love has left you behind.I guess that’s why we feel the need to hide away and protect ourselves. So we put on a mask. It’s not hard to understand why. What’s hard is knowing that sometimes…the mask is who you really are.”

I had to skip through the episode to transcribe his words for this, and I got choked up because of how it hit me. So this post will be a bit more personal, it’s not observational, or a critique on social stuff, this is purely me, and maybe it can help someone else, who knows.

The reason I am such a big advocate for people living as their authentic self (as long as it doesn’t infringe on someone else’s right to live), is because for so long I didn’t or haven’t. Usually the self you or someone else may see is the one I want you to see, not always the one I really am. Some of that comes from wanting to protect myself, some of that is a result of bullying, some of it is a result of lack of self confidence. Have you ever heard someone say or heard a phrase like “believing in one’s own lies?” That is where I found myself recently, I have lied, hidden, and killed parts of myself to the point where I don’t know who I really am and it has been a struggle for me. Recently I have been able to tap into the creativity that I once could, I have enjoyed the things I used to, I have been very depressed and considered taking my own life, it’s not the first time I had that thought or tried. 

I didn’t, and I spoke to a friend about it one of the last times I was really considering it, and later my wife, because it is a serious thing, and I encourage anyone that has those thoughts to get help. If you can afford therapy, go, if you have a personal person you trust, talk to them, talk to someone because life is precious.

How does that relate?

Because I usually mask well.

I don’t typically wear my emotions on my sleeve, I’ve been picked on since at least the first grade so over time I learned to become faceless, I was the person that could get along with everyone. Why? How?

Humor. Humor was the face everyone could see. Why people that weren’t into the nerdy shit I liked and picked on me for it, I hid it and became the clown. When people made fun of me, or when I saw people more talented than me, I would hid a part of myself. Growing up I wanted to be an artist and my mom and step dad did their best to encourage me, but people at school made fun of me or were better, so that dream died. At least I thought it did, I would find myself doodling here and there and I even  went to an art school for a bit and convinced my family, and others that I was really happy there. That’s how good I was at masking. The fact was I was an imposter. I learned a lot, sure, but I basically went to art school because of a traumatic experience for me, which was a health scare of one of my family members. It wasn’t until these last few years that i seriously started art and design again, and enjoyed it, but creativity comes in waves for me, and when the waves stopping coming I get depressed again and go through a cycle of self loathing, imposter syndrome, recovery and acceptance of the fact that I’m not a real artis any way so no harm no foul. And it’s been like that with a lot of hobbies, but I am working to break that cycle, but it’s hard. Very fucking hard.

Some days I have to ask myself, do I really enjoy art? Do I enjoy reading? Do I enjoy writing?

If I didn’t have those things as potential hobbies what would I have? What makes me who I am? Is the mask who I am now?

Deep shit to think about, and I don’t always have the mental strength to deal with those realizations because If I have become the mask then what does that mean for me? Am I no one? Is that why I can’t seem to stay happy? 

So what next?

Well, I am slowly in the process of writing a book, to hopefully help others. The times I feel the most fulfilled is when I am being helpful or useful and I get that feedback. There was something nice about being able to help make someone else have a better day, whether it was kids when I worked at the daycare center or their families, the staff, my friends, family, internet friends, etc. When I walked away from death’s door, and talked to my friend she said, “ I’m glad you are still here.” I have said that before to other people, but to hear it from someone else was something I needed that day. In terms of storytelling and the hero’s journey and all that, I feel like the one quote that sticks with me is from the Joker, but written by Alan Moore in the Batman comic The Killing Joke, “All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.” and that is a line I feel like I walk so often. 

Mental health is just as important as physical, mental, and for some spiritual health. And it’s not easy to admit that we need people, Like Iroh said. But I have been saved countless times by my loved ones and from unexpected sources. I have lost friends and family, been mistreated by people within and outside of my circles, and it’s not easy to say “hey you hurt me, you meant so much to me and I made myself vulnerable and you hurt me.” It’s much easier to put on that mask, not healthier, but easier.

It has been a learning process and I have been doing my best to be at my best, but it’s rough. I’m so used to bottling stuff up or putting on a mask, that the right way is uncomfortable and intimidating. But I haven’t given up yet, and some of that is thanks to this blog and the idea that maybe someone somewhere will read my words and find comfort.

I understand why I hide behind a mask sometimes, it’s easier to pretend to be someone else’s best than to live as your worst, or it’s easier to be what others want when you feel your authentic self isn’t good enough. 

For whoever needs to hear this, You are good enough. Live your life in a way that will bring you true happiness, not just the fleeting moments of happiness. It’s okay to have the mask to survive situational events, but don’t let the mask erase your personality.

Be kind to yourself.

Later days

-Owl