Hello Friends. Let’s get this trigger warning out of the way, this deals with thoughts of suicide as well as general mental health. Reader discretion is advised.
I either didn’t realize or maybe I forgot, but May is Mental Health Awareness month.
Mental health has always been important to me, both my own and others.
Of all the issues we hear about, Mental health, up until recently, didn’t get the platform it deserved. So this month, as of right now, I have two blogs set to be released. Both are very personal but this one will be a bit heavier because people should know/feel there is someone out there dealing with similar shit as me. So let’s go.
I have never been tested for anything specific, but I feel like I may have some neurodivergence. I feel like it has become a weird “flex” to say you are neurodivergent, or almost like a fad, but please know again I haven’t been tested or diagnosed, and this isn’t something I say to fit in or explain why I act a certain way, but after some people who are (and have been diagnosed) told me I might be I looked it up and did some light research and a lot of things made sense. For those that don’t know, a quick google search defined it as this:
Neurodivergent is a non-medical term that describes people whose brains process information differently than most people. This can include people on the autism spectrum, or people with other neurological or developmental conditions such as ADHD, dyslexia, or other medical disorders. Neurodivergence can manifest in many different ways, from very mild ways that most people would never notice to more obvious ways that lead to a person behaving differently than is standard in society.
Is this important to what I am talking about today? Not necessarily, but maybe. I honestly don’t know. This was meant to be written and posted last week, but a lot was going on and I got really overwhelmed with issues with work and personal stuff. It’s probably better that I didn’t put it out last week, because I have better clarity on things now.
So May 8th I texted a crisis text line. It was a really bad week and I had reached a breaking point. I left my desk to catch my breath and in the building I work at the roof access is not locked. I walked up the stairs and sat outside the door to the roof and did a check in with an app I use called Finch. Whenever you close the app and reopen it gives you a little motivational picture and asks how you are doing with five little pictures, essentially it’s how are you from one to 5, and I was a one. With the app if you score yourself a one or a two you get additional resources to help you as well as the prompt for crisis help. I kind of skimmed through some options, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or email so I chose one of the text lines. I texted it and it came back with an automated response and I figured screw it I will just deal with it, and went back to my office and back to work. I still felt like shit, still didn’t want to be here anymore and at that point felt truly alone because even the crisis line wasn’t there for me, then I got a text, “ Hi my name is Jaden, and i’m here for you. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now. Tell me more.” I wasn’t alone, not exactly. Yes, I alone was going through and dealing with my set of circumstances, but there was another “person” there to support me.
I ended up walking home because I didn’t trust myself on the train tracks, and we texted almost all the way home, well til I got home. Because I took psychology and other social work classes I knew a little of what to expect and I knew when they started doing a risk assessment on me. Which is fine, and it didn’t disrupt the flow, but it’s a lot different when you are learning about it versus having it done on you. But some of what was said has never been said to me (that I can remember) and I feel like things people need to hear, like being told you are strong, but why you are strong. What was said to me was, “That is very admirable that you have been carrying all these burdens for so many years. Opening up today shows how strong you are.” It one thing to say you’re strong, or whatever, somethings only need that one line, like, “Damn you’re funny” but when you are feeling weak and broken, for someone to tell you “I get why you are tired, carrying all this stuff, but really it shows how strong you are right now. You carried it to this point, survived all this time to get to today and seek help. That’s not easy” I’m not going to go through all the texts, and I am obviously omitting my part of the conversation for privacy reasons but I wanted to highlight how helpful this was and a little of what to expect.
It wasn’t just telling me what I wanted to hear, but getting to understand me and focus my attention elsewhere. They asked about hobbies I had, asked if there was anyone I feel comfortable talking to when I feel this way, which honestly there isn’t. When you are ready to die, even if you don’t have a fully flesh out plan or in this case as I was being helped, there was no one I wanted to talk to at the time, not because I don’t trust the people around me, but because I didn’t want to hear the pain or fear in their voice. They also asked if I had a plan and I said, if I were to do it yeah, I do. I don’t want to per se, I’d much rather be happier in my mind and in my life, but if that is not an option I know what my options are. But as I was walking home, my focus was feeding the cats, giving the one cat his meds. After talking about a few ways I liked to relax with the crisis counselor I added soaking to that list of things to do when I got home, and once again I survived. We finished texting when I was mostly home and by then I was doing a little better mentally. I was still stressed like nobody’s business, but I wanted to keep going.
I can’t promise everything will always be okay, and it is okay to not be okay, but don’t give up on yourself. If you have someone you love that has mentioned thoughts of suicide or self harm please reach out. Sometimes when you’re in that head space you don’t want to reach out but you are desperate for someone to remind you that you are loved or even just liked. The following day I made a post on Instagram about Mental Health Awareness month and included that for the first time in 38 years I had to text a crisis line, but I was on the mend from a difficult week. I didn’t really expect anything to come from it, I wanted to share basic info and be transparent that I had my issues too, four people liked it and two of the four reached out to me directly to check in on me, and I was very grateful for that.
There is a recent stereotype/meme about men and mental health. Basically it says men will do everything else but go to therapy.
I hate it.
It doesn’t take into account, lack of resources, lack of finances, anything. Like most stereotypes it takes a percent and uses it to explain the group. I told my crisis counselor that I would go to therapy, but right now I can’t really afford it because I am working on paying off/down some of my debts that unfortunately built up after some house issues and repairs, but once that is done I will look into therapy, but I feel like it may be difficult finding the right one for me, but I still want to try.
But today is a better day, that’s not to say the worst is over but I am still constantly working on myself, my relationship, my job (as best as I can), and life in general.
a resource that was shared with me to from the crisis counselor to find affordable or sometimes free therapy near you is Opencounseling.com
You can also reach out to:
I would recommend the Finch app (available on android not sure about apple or the other ones)
There is always help
Be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself so you are in a better place if you want to help others.
Later days
~ Owl
The World Through My Eyes 