The men in my life

Dreams are weird. 

Recently I woke up having difficulty breathing after having some new weird dreams. Let me preface this by saying I haven’t had alcohol or any other substances to elicit weird or vivid dreams, but these were something else and something new. It’s been a while since I had a dream that felt new but this for sure had to have been a new dream and it brought some issues to the surface that I thought I had dealt with, but when I think about it, I know I really haven’t.

In the dream I was a younger version of myself, and I was with a younger version of my older brother. We were going through the houses of an abandoned neighborhood first looking to take cool pictures of places, but then it became finding cool things to sell. Abandoned toys, games, old VHS movies and it was bonding time with my brother.

At the last house before I woke up I was finding tons of old stuff related to our childhood, transformers for my brother and power rangers for me. As we excitedly gather stuff my dad appeared and said something, so I dropped what I was doing to go after him but he never looked at me. He seemed disappointed and when I questioned him I think he said he was going upstairs, and when we got to the next floor (ground floor) my mom was standing there and she looked upset at him and I fell to the floor crying and struggling for breath. She ran to me to take the face covering I had on for the dust, but I was still gasping for air  and I woke up struggling to breathe and disoriented.

I have always had issues with the men directly involved in my life, and the main ones that influenced me were my biological dad, my step-dad, my brother, and my mom’s uncle through marriage. When I say issues I don’t mean all bad, but it’s also not all good either.

The last person, the one I called uncle as well, I cut out of my life after his wife, my grandaunt? My mom’s aunt fired me over a petty issue. I have mostly moved on, for myself but my issues with him were basically that he seemed to be a golddigger, and when it came time to advocate for me he didn’t. He was a yes man to his wife, but it kept him in a comfortable position.

I think the biggest influences were the former three: dad, step-dad, bro. All three were kind of “manly,”  My brother served in the military, was honorably discharged, was an athlete in  high school, My dad was an athlete, and my step-dad, while more of an artist, was handy and tough. I was the sensitive kid, I was picked on, while I liked to use my hands to create there was a disconnect from what I planned or wanted to do and what I would create.

Growing up, and apparently to this day I can’t remember a time where my dad made me feel like he was proud of me, and I have never had that conversation with him. I’m not sure if my Step-dad ever said it directly, but there were times where he made me feel like he was proud, and my brother I don’t think will ever tell me, but that’s okay. I don’t need to hear those words from my brother, I’d like to one day, or at least I’d like to feel that he was proud of me for something (because words without feeling are just words to me), but we have a weird unspoken kind of relationship I suppose. We talk occasionally, but the deep stuff is through our mom. I have never told him that I was proud of him but I am. He served in the military, survived some crazy shit, probably saw the worst people had within themselves, but also built relationships, made people laugh, helped build an orphanage. He had the courage to try a lot of different jobs, live in different places and I never did. I am jealous of his strength and courage to do so much of what he’s done, but I don’t know if I could ever verbally tell him that.

I have memories.

We all do, until we don’t.

Good and bad.

When it comes to mad dad though, I don’t have a lot of memories where we really bonded. I have some, and they were usually when he picked me up on a Friday to spend the weekend with him. That was usually our time to talk, sometimes superficial stuff like how school was going or how the family was, but sometimes it would go into more serious topics, but I can’t remember them. I’d like to but I can’t. The memories I have with him aren’t just with him. Like I remember my brother taking me out to a mexican restaurant that had these big fucking burritos, I remember my step dad taking me to an art store to see all the different mediums and encourage me to embrace my creativity. I remember being scared and in tears after a rollercoaster and my dad comforted me, but it wasn’t just us. I remember traveling with whim and going to exciting places, but it was just us. Our quiet moments together was just the car ride to his house usually, and that is a little tainted because he would poke fun at me too. I was shy around girls, so he asked if I was gay, but it was how he said. It was judgmental and not like a father that cares. I wore a lot of hand-me downs, some of which were very baggy and he called me droopy, little things like that and how anything his youngest son wanted (my younger half brother) he got. He bred jealousy within me, and when I called it out, I got lectured about how I could have the same things if I lived with him and not my mom. 

We have/had a weird relationship. When I needed financial help I would ask him first because he was more well off than my mom, and he did so much for my little brother I thought it would be fine. Sometimes he helped, sometimes he didn’t, and that I understood. You can’t always be there or do the thing. But I still was upset that he had three sons, biological sons. My older brother and my younger brother go to experience life with him as a dad and I didn’t. Now we all have differing opinions now, my older brother doesn’t want much to do with him at all, My younger brother still seems to be supported by him, but I don’t know. And me, I just want to know and understand him.

Am I the failed child? Do I have middle child syndrome? Needless to say I have some issues with my father I need to work out and work on.

Nowadays we don’t talk as much, we text here and there, but contact is few and far between. I have ways of checking on him, but he doesn’t reach out to me much. I just found out an uncle of mine died last week, he told me that on father’s day…

I don’t quite know what else to say, i’m feeling a bit more emotional, so I will stop here.

It’s easy to say you don’t need someone else’s approval, blessing, acknowledgement, etc to live your life or feel like you have done good; And in all actuality you probably don’t and much of this approval seeking is in my own head. 

Live for yourself. Pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments. Celebrate you!

Have the best day you can, it’s not always easy, but try your best.

Later days

~Owl