39th Birthday

Hello again! 

It’s been a minute, almost 2 months, wow.

Summer is usually a hectic time for me, and this year was no different. I sort of lost the office assistant I had because upper management didn’t want to work with her in a way that would help me, started therapy, might have some more house repairs on the very near horizon, and loads more (good and bad).

But that isn’t why I am here today.

It’s my 39th birthday and I am still around to celebrate it! There were some times where I didn’t think I would see today, and few that I didn’t want to make it this far if I’m being honest. But I have overcome those obstacles and I’m moving forward.

Something I have learned about myself outside of therapy, is that I am kinda of lonely and I have been for a long while. I have friends and family of course, but I don’t have the community of bonding I used to. Now when I play games for example i’m usually alone and while that does feel a little rough I usually just immerse my self in something so I don’t have to confront those feelings. Most of the games I enjoy allow me to be someone else or someplace else where life is easier, or it’s some great adventure, or Animal Crossing. They are all escapes from the daya to day issues, and how I cope with the lack of community. 

Younger me always had friends around at school, and on the weekends I could go see friends or have them visit or whatever. Since then I have lost many past friends, but I have made new ones too. From Pokemon Go, from shops I frequented, school, even Instagram, twitch, and youtube. I call them friends because that’s how it feels for me, but honestly I don’t know if I am trying to force something that isn’t there. Most of my friends now are through my wife and her friends, but I’d like to think they like me for me or at least the version of me they see.

I have had my issues with some in my friend group, been done wrong by others, and have felt forgotten by others, but I don’t want to be the lonely kid again so I deal with it. I deal with feeling like the token black friend and all that comes with that. I don’t have as many BIPOC friends anymore, so I have less people around me that understand how hard it is to navigate the world sometimes. Luckily I have a few, but not many. 

I reached 39, and I feel like I let my younger self down a bit. He had so many dreams and wants for his future life, and I have made very few of them come true. He wanted to be a ghost hunter with his friend Sean, A wrestler, a stuntman, a voice actor, a game designer (also with Sean), and as he got older a writer, a traveling blogger, or to learn Japanese and international business studies and live abroad. He wanted to be wealthy and have a huge house so his friends and family would always be close and no one would have to worry about money.

I don’t think he expected the life I am living now.

But I have still accomplished a lot, and some of it I have taken for granted. I graduated high school, got an associates in college (the second time around), I am a homeowner, I am married, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and don’t need people to like me, I just need to interact with others more so it feels like a community.

I have overcome so much to sit here today typing this out, more than any one person in my life may know. And though everything isn’t perfect, it’s getting good. So maybe my inner child will understand and be proud. 

I am proud of myself.

I have healed, grown, and developed so much, and I look forward to seeing how much more I can go. 

Thank out for continuing this journey with me, hopefully I will get to blog about some new experiences around the world, do more twitch streaming (compared to the none I do now), make more magic, and help others before I have that last curtain call.

With that I will end with a line from Robin Williams, as Mork.

Later days

Owl