Quickie: Authentically me

Hey. Hello. Hi

I was listening to a character breakdown (Robert Freeman/Grandad – Boondocks). And the youtuber said a line that was like a shiny gem of wisdom. They said, ”Sometimes the cost of acceptance is authenticity.” Which I would add, it’s up to the individual to decide if they would rather be accepted as someone trying to fit in or to remain authentic to themselves and draw their community to them.

I feel like that’s a struggle many of us have that follows us from our school days through adulthood. Usually (but not always) It’s not until we reach adulthood that we start to tear down those facades we built  or cultivated to “fit in”. For me, I have kinda always had two roles that I clung to, “the clown” & “the advisor”. I enjoyed making people laugh and I liked to be in a support role, as it kept me from having to feel like I had to be a leader. If I got attention i wanted it for my role, not for who I really was/am because I have a hard time being the center of attention, but on the flipside I wanted some recognition of who I was from people I allowed to get close to me.

It wasn’t until, I’d say maybe 2019 to today that the cracks began to show for me. I had spent so much time supporting others that when I needed to support myself I didn’t know how to do it, and I didn’t have the backing of all those I supported. From childhood to now I have had to deal with people using me for their needs and then disappearing. Friends, family, etc I invested so much time and energy into them, but it would never be enough. And when I needed someone to pour into my cup my options were few. So I kinda said fuck it and entered a new era.

My villain phase!

Not really, but I call it that because it’s funny to me. I have been working on living authentically as myself. I still have people I can turn to, even if it’s not all those I invested in, I have a good circle willing to invest in me. Part of this phase is learning more about myself, my wants, my needs, and who I am when no one else is around. I closed off parts of myself to myself, and I need to reopen those doors, air out the place, and refresh. Part of that is setting boundaries, not being afraid to say no, spending time with myself, spending time with people that help to heal my soul like my mom or aunt. We’ve been a crew since as far back as I can remember and though we had our issues, spending time with them helps me feel loved, with no strings attached, no obligations, no footnotes, no motives.There is a special bond there that I don’t have with anyone else. That isn’t to say we tell each other everything going on in our life, but we don’t need to, the important thing is to know we can.

I am lucky, in that even though it took a while to be comfortable in my own skin, eventually I was able to find that peace with myself. Now I spend my quiet moments alone building myself up, supporting myself, finding ways to express my unique voice, through art, writing, streaming, connecting with people.

So what about you?

Have you thought about who you are when no one else is around? What would make you happy, sad, mad, content, at peace? Is the you that you project the authentic you or just a mask to fit in? Who are you comfortable being authentic with? 

Can you tell yourself “I love you” and mean it? It’s not easy. It’s easy to say sure, but can you look in the mirror, into your own eyes and say it? If you can do it, if you can’t practice it. Learn how to show up for yourself, love yourself, advocate for yourself. Be authentically you. Let your uniqueness be what draws people to you, and make sure you are drawing the right people to you. It’s okay to cut people out that aren’t a helpful part of your journey, that’s why I can’t be too upset at those that cut me off, it hurt before sure, but I have to respect & understand my presence is not meant for everyone. I have my ride or die peeps, I have my associates, good friends, old friends, best friends, people I’m cool with, people I’m civil to, and various in betweens. Some people fill multiple spots, some not so much, and that’s ok. I have said it before, not all of my people need to know every detail about me. The more I know about myself and the more I observe things in others the more I find the need to set some barriers between some people. And that’s okay.

One more time.

Say it out loud, seriously. Don’t scream it unless you’re in a space where you can but say this to yourself: It’s okay to set boundaries to protect my peace. You are the gatekeeper of your mind, body, & spirit, don’t just let anyone have access to you. Especially now with the craziness in the world, you have to be aware of all those you let into your inner circle.

I hope you all find peace, make good choices, and spread knowledge & love.

Protect those that can’t, as well as the planet.

Much love to Palestine.

Black & brown lives still matter

LGBTQ+ lives matter

Support local

Fuck Ice

Eat the rich

Fuck Trump

Later days.

~Owl