Hey, howdy. hello.
Today’s blog ramble is brought to you by my job! Of course I won’t get into specifics for anonymity reasons, but it irked me and brought up an excellent talking point.
So let me set the scene. A staff member was brought in to be spoken to to make sure his conduct is remaining appropriate at work (We’ll call him Dude). Now this meeting was supposed to take place with the owner (Boss), Dude’s direct supervisor/the manager of the program in region 2 (Bell), and her assistant manager (Lucy). I wasn’t really supposed to be part of this, but I got pulled into as the only other Black guy in this company. For context, Boss is a White woman in the 40s, Bell is a bi-racial (Black & Mexican) in her mid 20’s, Lucy is Mexican in her early 20s, and Dude is a black man in his mid 20s.
Before the meeting we had our weekly meeting, which went fine, but at the end they were getting Boss caught up on what was going on and why they were having the meeting. Now MANY times prior to this Bell has ranted about how she doesn’t like Dude, loudly. and The boss was making sure that the meeting was going to stay on track and that Bell’s personal feelings could be pushed aside. Bell got very defensive before he showed up because she got called out and called herself out, on her feelings and behavior towards him which is complicated. She also insisted on Boss asking him point blank, in front of everyone, if he thought she was racist and sexist, because that is something he eluded to in a “private” conversation with Lucy. It is a serious allegation, so I get the hard feelings but her approach to it was terrible, but we’ll circle back to that.📌 It was agreed that Bell & Lucy would leave so we could ask.
During a loudish exchange between Bell & Boss, the door opened and the Dude walked in and they all flipped the attitude and was suddenly fine and professional. Dude was greeted by all of us and I handed him a seat. The meeting went good, everyone was professional, and the time came for them to leave so Lucy & Bell walk out we chitchat for a sec and The Boss leans over and ask if everything was ok, and without any leading on our end he tells us his issues about what the idea of racism or sexism crossed his mind. We talked for a bit, I jumped in, I took notes, Boss reassured him and eventually Lucy and Bell came back. We chit chatted a little more Boss stepped out, I stepped out and When I came back Dude was gone and Lucy & Bell were talking.
Immediately Bell wanted to know what was said and first I said I can’t say, to gauge her reaction. She looked shocked, Lucy said :They probably can’t say anything” and I responded “no it’s fine.” but gave them a general explanation of his feelings, not the specifics of what he said or how he said it. Essentially He was a tall black man that wanted to feel included, Bell has favorite staff people and they are clique-ish and it shows and she makes comments about it. It’s not fair to her other staff, and as of right now, she doesn’t care or is willing to change (her words). Boss comes in while I am trying to explain all this and she jumps in as well, and Lucy begins to echo our points so 3 of us are telling Bell essentially “No staff should feel like they are outsiders or don’t matter.” One of her responses was that “He shouldn’t be so soft” and THAT is what brings us here today, whew.
It was long, but we got there. I was a sensitive kid, and am a sensitive adult, but I hide it better now than when I was a wee one. I remember My brother picking on me for being “too sensitive” as well as cousins. And I don’t hate them for that now, but I sure as shit did then, but they are a product of their society and times. Boys don’t cry is more than just a good song and a movie (the movie is and isn’t related to this, but the phrasing is), for the longest time it was how men were expected to behave. once you weren’t a baby no more tears right?
Those societal gender roles, and unrealistic expectations is what I think leads to toxic masculinity/femineity. Here we have a younger person pushing that same thing, meanwhile I have seen her break down in the office for shit, I have heard her say “I don’t want to hire a man” but then turn around and see someone is “cute” and suddenly they become a little more hirable. Pretty privilege at it’s finest. She said “I can be racist, but I am no racist to that man.” And I agree, I don’t think she is racist to him, but her calling a sensitive dude soft because he feels excluded? That’s low. Unfortunately this was my first time meeting him but I understood a lot of what he was saying, because I have been there…in this company! I won’t list all the things she said about him, on the off chance he ever finds this, but it seems to me she is the one poisoning the mind of his co-workers, not him. Again I don’t know him or his intentions, but listening to both of them describe the issues with each other, both Boss and I are more understanding to him.
What, so don’t feel just do? I don’t understand. The math ain’t mathin’
Men(feeling excluded + anxiety + self/social consciousness) = Soft?
I tell you what, I would rather be considered soft, than one of those
Men should be “soft” it is possible to be gentle, kind, and strong. And as someone with social anxiety, amongst other things, I know it isn’t easy to just insert yourself into other people conversations, while yes I am an ambivert, I have more introvert tendencies. I tend to be the quiet observer, I keep to myself in unfamiliar spaces or find a person I already know. Hell. I had to deal with a rude comment from my own partner because at a social function that she was documenting I was more or less glued to the one person I knew. Being sensitive isn’t a choice, feeling excluded isn’t a goal, kindness can change someone’s whole fucking day but instead “sensitive men” get mistreated.
📌 So remember this pin from earlier? lets take a break and talk about it. So Dude reached out to Lucy because her felt a certain way from Bell’s behavior towards him so he confided to her that he wasn’t sure what Bell’s problem with him was, if it was a racial thing of a gender thing or something else. Did outright call bell a racist or a sexist, but the idea was there. Lucy told him I have to tell Bell to try to fix the situation, which, yes and no. There are ways to do things, but maybe experience is why I can see alternatives and she didn’t. So she told Bell, and Bell took it as He said I was racist and sexist, totally missing the underlying issue. So whenever something came up around him she didn’t want to deal with it because she already had her mind set to he thinks I am sexist and racist. So of course meeting him in the office, Bell’s first approach was I’m not going to say anything in the meeting because he already thinks I am racist and sexist, she want Lucy and Boss to run it. Boss didn’t have all the details and Lucy wasn’t ready to be in that position as she is the assistant manager. Bell jumped down Boss’ throat when it came to asking how dud felt, to the point where I had to jump in and point out the obvious, “Dude is less likely to answer truthfully in front of the person making feel like this when they are his direct supervisor.” So we came up with the Idea that Lucy & Bell would leave so we could see what’s what. You wouldn’t force a victim to answer questions about the abuser in front of the abuser with no safe guards, use your head FFS.
SO yeah clearly I have some feelings to work out there, but I know I am sensitive, and I am okay with that. Sometimes I am more fem than masc (usually when I am alone) and I am ok with that. What I’m not okay with is trying to be the best version of myself and still getting kicked down.
Men, and while I shouldn’t HAVE to say it I will, and I am including trans men (boys don’t cry movie call back) should be able to be who they are as long as they are not hurting themselves or others. That same right is equal for women, enbys, and every other person on this planet, if you aren’t hurting yourself or others, and you are just trying to exist on this rock floating in space, what is the real problem?
Also, to the best of my limited knowledge, feelings are gender neutral? Feelings don’t care what you can yourself, how you dress, how you present, how much you make, your education, or any of that stuff. Yes there are illness that can make it harder to understand or process feelings, but being emotionless vs emotional shouldn’t be yet another thing to separate folks.
I can and have been called cold, I became that way to protect myself. Some of the good ways people have described me were defense mechanisms that became my new normal.
Of course there is a caveat to this too, once you start hurting, killing, taking rights away, committing SA, DV, many of the isms, THEN you can go fuck right off. Fuck your feelings I can. But if I choose to show up as ScribeOwl, MysticOwl, or SeekerOwl please accept me as I am and I will accept you as you are. There is enough bs in the world.
Be your best self.
Later days
~Owl
Fuck ICE
The World Through My Eyes 