Reconnecting

Hey, it has truly been a minute. 

It’s been much longer than I want, and I wanted to be better about blogging, streaming, and creating. While I see some improvement I’m not really where I want to be, I am getting there. But that brings me to today’s blog.

I’m not where I want to be.

And I mean that in a lot of ways. I have a bunch of topics I could have written about for the blog, I have stories on the back burner to complete or to start, I have sticker Ideas I need to flush out, paintings I need to finish, a twitch channel to be more active in. Plus there is the daily stuff, work, clean, routine.

I think I have know this for a while, but I haven’t said it out loud or typed it until recently. A content creator I follow posted something along the lines of tell me a secret or something you haven’t told anyone else.and it was the first time in a while I let it be known, I’m not okay and I don’t think I have been for a really long while.

When asked, I will usually say that I am but that’s because I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to explain why ‘m not and I know I would miss or forget stuff because there is so much weighing me down. And this isn’t to say everything just sucks for me, and no one else. I know things are in a weird place and even a bad place around the world right now.

I feel like the more I learn and grow, the more I want to retreat and never have to deal with people face to face again. But I am also lonely. So it’s a weird space to be in. Through life and choices I feel like I may have alienated/isolated myself a bit, but I don’t feel like I have the tools to fix all that right now.

The more I learn about my own (black) history, the more I feel distant from some of my friends, family, colleagues, and others. I don’t have a lot of minority friends, and more importantly I don’t have a lot of black friends. I have a few (I could count them on one hand) but not many. So when racial stuff happens to or around me I don’t have the space I need to vent, share, find understanding or whatever. Majority of my closest friends are white & my wife is white. The people I interact with the most don’t understand so much, and I am not a teacher, especially for grown folks.

I can see based on their interactions with me, their complaints about me, or misunderstandings, that they didn’t have a lot/any CLOSE black friends growing up. I can’t be who I am with my family and close black friends, and I think that rift definitely does something to me. I can tell a close black friend go fuck yourself in a joking way, and we both know were are joking, but I can’t really with my white friends/wife/family because then I have to explain: Yes, i’m joking; no I didn’t mean anything serious: no I am not mad, etc.

That shit is tiring.

I miss being a kid, shit was easier. There was still bad shit that happened, but I was so ignorant to the world. If I was done with someone it was a lot easier to cut them out my life and find a new friend, well I say that, but that isn’t 100% true. Maybe like 89% There are people from my past that I miss, or think about from time to time, but that may just be me yearning for a simpler time. 

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug.

My next few blogs may be more free writing and exploring my healing process (or just how I’m holding up) instead of the one’s with a specific topic. I just needed to start the venting today at least I guess, help hold myself accountable. There will be more to come I’m sure since it’s more focused on me than the world, at least while I work on somethings.

I will try to see you soon, but until then you can find me on twitch or youtube. I also have a Ko-fi, still debating about a patreon. Will probably setup some sort of shop once I get more designs finished, so stay tuned! (also I am proud of my little painting which is the photo/picture for today’s post)

Thanks and see you soon.

Later days

~Owl